News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize