when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize