Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
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