dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize