Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
