Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
your like the ambassador to my penis.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
