I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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