You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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