She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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