How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
