Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
