I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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