Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize