Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
