i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize