just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
