Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
