I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
