I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize