I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
