Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Those nachos came to me in a dream
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
