i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
