Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
