I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize