Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
