true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
