I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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