Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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