I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
