apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
