Where did you get a picture of my penis
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
should my penis look like a turkey
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
