I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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