I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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