a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
