He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
