This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
