Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize