the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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