3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
