my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
