Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
is wine microwaveable?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
