So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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