Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize