They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
