He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
