I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
