I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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