Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize