we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
