Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
