Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
