Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Can you bring me the toilet please
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
