ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Randomize
