yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
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