Small penises have feelings too.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
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