he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
