sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
