I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I have aggressive nipples.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
