This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
