Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
