I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
