There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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